Vindication!

When we're wronged or see wrong, we have a very strong human emotion need for vindication.  Our need is for our pain to be acknowledged, some type of remediation tendered and an apology.

Vindication is, in short, a human reaction and need to being wronged.  

My first impulse was to use the word "victim".  The "victim" of a narcissistic relationship...   I'm gonna go with that for a just a minute and then correct that term.   As "victims" of a narcissistic relationship our need for vindication is engrained and strong.    If you go onto any narcissistic forum, you'll read rant after rant of people seeking vindication.   The need is instinctual, strong and relentless.

The problem with the "victim" seeking vindication are two fold.  

The first is, it will never happen.  A narcissistic person is sick in the sense that they cause other people misery but they are unable to see themselves as the cause or in anyway take any form of responsibility for it.   They are actually repulsed by themselves for their misdeeds and feel a huge sense to lash out - to protect themselves.   Hence the yelling, putdowns and walking away.  So seeking acknowledgement they caused a problem is futile.   It ain't gonna happen.

The second is by viewing ourselves as victims and demanding or seeking vindication we are giving the narcissist the power.   Their granting of vindication is what is between us and our healing.  

I believe that this is where I (and many others who have had narcissistic relationships) get stuck.  We keep hoping they'll see the truth and sense in things and grant us vindication but they never will and by us giving them the sole power to our healing we stay stuck in a negative "victim" cycle.  We are literally gnawing at our own leg trying to free ourselves.


For me there is a truth that is hard to face.   I was hurt crushingly badly as a kid.   The "hurts" are many.   And the impact is felt today.  I'm anxiety ridden, not good enough, shamed and guilty, and depressed.    And I want the father who I believe caused much of my misery to right his wrongs.

Yeah!  Right!  I want the shooter to fix the wounds.   And in that very spot, in that very normal human reaction, I stay stuck.   Cause it will never happen.   He will continue to scream, tell me it didn't happen, walk away and put me down - but he will never ever never ever never ever take responsibility for his own misguided behavior.

Yet despite all this intellectual "insight" I'm stuck.  Emotions govern logic 100 to 1.  Intellectualize about the vindication trap all day long but my emotional need for vindication prevail.  

Yelling At Me...

Yelling at me, "when was the last time I yelled at you?"

You have to know a narcissist to enjoy the humor in that one!

This Was Supposed to Be

Sometimes we don't like reality.  We might not think it is fair.  We might feel that we are being treated unjustly.   And so long as those are our beliefs we're at odds with it.

Being at odds with reality is;  a)  suffering and b) caused our own internal dialogue/thinking/conversation.

When I read many of the forum posts about people in relationship with narcissists, the conversations are often some version of "this is not right" or "can you believe they did this".   While reality sometimes sucks, reality is reality.  They did it!  And if you don't believe it or believe it or think it was unjust it doesn't matter.  They did it!

Accepting they did it doesn't mean you think it was the right thing.

Accepting that there was an injustice doesn't mean you condone it.

Accepting what has transpired is just acknowledging it happened and realizing that all the dialogue about  the injustices won't change that or make it right.  It happened.  It is what it is.

I have had much internal dialogue since I figured out that I was raised by a narcissist and co-dependent, about what could have been.   Essentially that dialogue is fighting reality.  It is implicitly saying what happened shouldn't have happened.   And in the act of playing that recording over and over again in my head, I enforce the lack of acknowledgement and acceptance and in turn enforce the cycle.

Freedom comes having the ability to make choices.  Meditation has helped me identify in real time when I am getting into that cycle.  And my free will is giving the my choice, "it happened, it sucked, it was, and I am beyond that now."

Energy

It takes a huge amount of energy to defend one's self.

It takes a monumental amount of energy to defend from and confront one's parents.   Both our societal expectations and instinctual expectations are that our parents will put our interests above all else.   Waking up to the reality that something is wrong and that simply isn't the case is an emotional train wreck.  

Rules

I wish I could have made and enforced these rules when I was 5.  I couldn't.  But I can now.

1)  No yelling or screaming at me.  I never yell or scream at you - afford me the same civil courtesy.  Address me with respect.

2)  No putting me down - directly or stealthily.    This includes no rolling eyes, gasping, etc.   If I feel the putdown it is a putdown regardless if you claim I am too sensitive, it wasn't what you meant, etc. etc.    A putdown is a putdown even if my own my justifies your behavior.  A putdown is a putdown.  Address me with respect.

3)  No walking away to settle a dispute.  Walking away is a statement that you find me in contempt of your graces.  I have never done anything nor will worthy of that type of treatment.  End a conversation with "what do you want out of my life" is shutting me down.  That is the same as walking away.  Don't walk away.  Stay and settle our differences respectfully.

4)  I will hear you first.  I will listen with patience and respect.  When you are done, you listen to me (without interrupting, rolling your eyes, gasping or other gestures) with respect.

5)  Do not yell or put down or walk away or not listen to anyone I love in front of me.  This includes my mother, my sister and my children.  They too deserve to be respected.

I am no better than you.  I am no worse than you.  But I certainly deserve the same courtesies and respect you command  and expect of me.

Bang Bang Bang

There are just a few emotional needs critical to a child - love and safety are the two I found so difficult.

Growing up it was clear I was never quite up to the standard.   Where sometimes I was told directly and often I was told through stealth concealed putdowns.  But the message was delivered constantly and consistently.   Clearly I was not good enough to be truly loved.  Bang.

Couple that with the screaming.   Bang bang.    Not just being screamed at - narcissistic rage is in its own league.  Witnessing it raining down on my sister and mother as well.  Being a young man and feeling that I should intercede.  But being intimidated by the force, arrogance and physical superiority.   Feeling the fear.   In short the trauma of never knowing where and when the bomb was going to drop.

The combination of putdowns and screaming combine and stew and left me feeling unworthy.  Unworthy of love.  Unworthy of achievement.  Unworthy of respect.  Unworthy.

As a young man I often complied with my perceived mandate to remain unworthy - literally sabotaging my own success.  Inventorying those sabotages is painful.

As a mature man, I've come to recognize the experience has left me anxiety and catastrophizing prone.    In short I think what I learned as a child I've learned well - I could get blamed anytime, for anything, for any reason and it will be a shell shock when it comes.   And I have no idea when it is coming.

Interestingly, a friend of mine who was also raised by narcissistic parents was diagnosed with PTSD. See that attached characteristics below of PTSD.    Huh....

I write for two reasons.  The first is that I don't think I can work through anything without acknowledging what it is I need to work through.   So writing is acknowledging in the deepest way for me.  It forces me to square off with, recognize and acknowledge.   And secondly, I hope, maybe, in just some tiny little way, someone will read my words and it will in some way help them understand their own predicament.

Finally, a plea to myself and anyone else who is in a similar situation.   Compassion.  I believe self compassion is the most beautiful ingredient we can give ourselves with the intent to healing.   

Thanks for reading.

Mark 9/23/15

Wikipedia:

The diagnostic criteria for PTSD, stipulated in the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems 10 (ICD-10), may be summarized as:^[69]

• Exposure to a stressful event or situation (either short or long lasting) of exceptionally threatening or catastrophic nature, which is likely to cause pervasive distress in almost anyone.
• Persistent remembering or "reliving" the stressor by intrusive flash backs, vivid memories, recurring dreams, or by experiencing distress when exposed to circumstances resembling or associated with the stressor.
• Actual or preferred avoidance of circumstances resembling or associated with the stressor (not present before exposure to the stressor).
• Either (1) or (2):

1. Inability to recall, either partially or completely, some important aspects of the period of exposure to the stressor
2. Persistent symptoms of increased psychological sensitivity and arousal (not present before exposure to the stressor) shown by any two of the following:

• difficulty in falling or staying asleep
• irritability or outbursts of anger
• difficulty in concentrating
• hyper-vigilance
• exaggerated startle response.

kuh-tas-truh-fahyz

Catastrophizing is known as a "cognitive distortion".

There are two parts:

Part 1: Predicting a negative outcome.

Part 2: Jumping to the conclusion that if the negative outcome did in fact happen, it would be a catastrophe.

Psychology research on chronic pain and catastrophizing has uncovered three types of mechanisms related to catastrophizing

- Rumination - (overthinking. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy technique for overcoming rumination (link is external))
- Magnification
- Helplessness

Overcoming Catastrophizing

- Mindful awareness

You have to catch yourself having cognitive distortions to be able to do anything about them,

- Consider Other Possible Outcomes
Consider positive predictions, neutral predictions, and mildly negative predictions, not just very negative predictions.

- Make a Distinction Between Significantly Unpleasant and Catastrophe
Key to overcoming catastrophizing is making a distinction between something being significantly unpleasant and it being a catastrophe. Failing an important exam would be extremely distressing but it does not doom the individual to a life of failure.

- Increase your perception of your ability to cope.
If you believe you can cope with negative events, anxiety will be much less of a problem for you.

Suggestion to write each down so you can view them more objectively.  http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-catastrophizing.


Source:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201301/what-is-catastrophizing-cognitive-distortions

Glue

The glue, maybe the strongest glue that has kept the whole thing together for so many years, has been the need to win my parents (and in particular my father's) love and approval.

It must be very difficult for most people to comprehend the need to win a parent's approval or love.    Human beings DNA is hard wired to, in most cases, take care of this on its own.  Most parents can see their children's faults but still provide sufficient critically need approval and love.

The message "you're not good enough" is always concealed and delivered stealthily.   If I ever questioned it, I was told "you're too sensitive" or "that isn't what I meant, why do you take it like that?" or "that is NOT what I said", in a reprimanding and yet additional putdown for having so grossly misinterpreted the message.

But the flow of putdowns never cease.   Like water running down, they are inevitable and constant.  Subtle, concealed and stealthily delivered.   An endless message that "you are bad, you are not good, you are not good enough."

All this was going on my whole life with me getting very limited conscious peaks of it.  Mostly it happens below the surface.  And the quest to be worthy, the fight, the inbred need to "win" my parents' approval and prove that I am good enough, also unconsciously being fought without ever being able to formulate it in either word or thought.

Can you imagine always feeling not good enough?    If I am not good enough to my parents, how could I be good enough to anyone else?  How can I feel good about myself?

There is a sinking, catch yourself from falling feeling that accompanies many of the putdowns.   An internal feeling of being ashamed for not being good enough.  A feeling of humiliation.  Trauma.

There is also a feeling of constantly being paranoid for the next onslaught of stealth criticism.  What will it be and where will it come from?

Being able to recognize it and say it is, I believe, a first step in dealing with it.  There has been a realization that I have been chasing my own tail.  That I have been participating in a cycle that can't get better.     I am not sure it can ever be 100% resolved.  But, wow, bringing it to the conscious level and being able to say what has happened and how I have been conditioned my whole life, is very powerful, and I hope critical step in healing.

Define Me

How do you get from what has bent and shaped and defined you to be not bent and shaped and defined by it?

Shame Blame Defame

Shame Blame Defame

Crash Mash Slash

Attacked without Facts

Yell to Dispel

Push Like All Hell

Public

I don't want to hide anymore.  I don't want to pretend.  I don't want to cover for him.  I don't want to play the game anymore.   

So I will write.

Something Is Wrong

Something is wrong.  But it wasn't obvious.

There were indicators though.  The contrast in compassion and humility between my father and grandfather.  The rage explosions.  Comparisons between friends' parents and my own.  And my own internal barometer - knowing the negativity wasn't right.

But it wasn't obvious.   Like a fish in water it was all I knew.

I didn't have options.  It was something I needed to learn to live with and tolerate - not question.  Maybe if there had been the name earlier there would have been options.

And it was insidious.  Much of it was concealed and the facade was always kept up.

Yet it effected me profoundly in many ways.  I think it's impact probably more damaging and troublesome for my sister and mother.   But the nature of it did not bring us together to combat it - it divided and separated.    Alienated.

A name changed everything.  It has a name!   And with that name came so much; validation it was real and a brotherhood of others who have endured it.  And possibility.  It was now possible to deal with it and not get sucked back into enduring it.

In fairness this was not perpetrated against me  with bad intent.  Yet that knowledge doesn't alleviate the pervasive problems and pain it has caused.  Like a person walking over a nest of ants, the turmoil and suffering caused goes unnoticed.

There were many many episodes that were hints.  100s of them I am sure.  Many repressed I am sure.

My mother recently pleaded that future regret should inspire reconciliation.   But I truly don't believe the problem can be fixed.  And the only regret I have now was not having figured this out earlier so the problem could be removed from my life and the possibility of healing could begin.

So where did the name come from?

For years my parents complained of my sisters accusations having no basis.  Very specific life events she claimed and they claimed never happened.   I researched it and researched it and he only thing I could find had to do with narcissism.  Yet my sister was clearly not a happy person.  She had once told me if it weren't for her kids she wouldn't want to live.  And there were undoubtedly pharmaceuticals involved.  Antidepressants.     My parents' therapist thought my evaluation was wrong.  That it was boarderline personality disorder.  But my further research indicated BPD was very similar in many respects to NPD. So I chalked it up to "close enough".

A dispute with my father lead to a meeting to  try and  reconcile.  And there it happened again.  My 78 year old father getting worked up and excited and beginning the yelling and scolding and despicable accusations.  But this time, maybe through years of meditating or years of martial arts training or maybe just through maturity, I experienced the onslaught differently.   There were two "me"s.   the first wanted to stop the onslaught at any cost.  If he is this mad and this sure and he is my father I must be wrong.  I must capitulate.  I must immediately reconcile.  But the other me saw a older man screaming and ranting but in no way a threat and all his accusations in the end were simply not true.  Lies.

That night I resumed my research.   The same behavior they complained my sister exhibited I had just experienced with my father.   I started where I left off.   A book by Eleanor Payson on amazon with 100s of 5 star ratings on narcissism soon changed my life.  I am forever grateful to Eleanor for her work.  I read until 3 am and finished the book the next day.  There wasn't a page I didn't relate to.  100s of episodes got revisited in my mind with a new and fresh understanding.

I was angry.  Sad.  Resentful of what was lost and taken from me.  Elated I had finally identified it.  Confused.   And finally excited - possibility.    I had a name for the first time for what was the most challenging obstacle I had faced in my life.   Narcissism.

Validation

Validation is tough to come by.   Most people can’t understand what could possibly cause an adult child to separate from their parents.   Clearly it would seem there must be somehting grossly wrong, but few are able to see/validate how it is justified.

I think there are two major reasons for that.

First, narcissists are experts at concealing.  If something does get exposed they are amazing at covering it.  “oh no, that isn’t at all what I said, meant or intended.  You’re too sensitive.  Give me the benefit of the doubt.”

Second, the way a narcisst handles their inner circle is very different than people that they have casual relationships with.    Our natural human goodness is used against us.  For example, we all want acceptance and approval from our parents.   Holding that acceptance just out of reach creates some ideal dynamics for a narcissist, maybe the most important being them retaining/holding the power.  As a child keeps striving for acceptance it makes the narcissist feel empowered, strong and gives them the “supply” they so need.   Needless to say the experience for the child isn’t beneficial at all.  Growing up feeling not quite good enough and not fully accepted or good enough to be accepted leaves a child with “issues.”

To someone who grew up in a relatively normal family all this is difficult to detect or fathom.  The truth is sometimes it is hard for me to validate and I have plenty of evidence to both justify and validate what has transpired

Healing

“Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm, but the harm (that they cause) does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves”. ~ T.S. Eliot

It seems important to me to remember my intentions.    It is easy to want retribution.   The pathology of the disorder is such that the true victims are not the person with the disorder.  The inventory of damage done to me, probably unknowingly by him, is formidable.   Like bent steel, it is hard to get it back or even get it back into some semblance of functionality.  I am angry for the injustices.

When you log onto any ACON (adult children of narcissists) forum you'll find a lot of ranting about those injustices.  Yet, for me retribution isn't my goal.  Healing is.

I'll never get him to acknowledge that he has in anyway damaged or hurt me.

Every episode I truly anticipate and expect my mother will intercede on my behalf.  But the truth is she is nor forged and shaped into his accomplice and the intervention never comes. Rather she enforces and reinforces his malignant behavior.

"No contact" seems to be the only suggested steps for recovery.  Unto itself, I am not sure it has moved me much towards healing.  But it is a statement in my autonomy and right to not subject myself to more abuses.

So... My posts and my writing is with a few intentions.  To heal and to maybe, through documenting the process, help someone else heal.  Let us heal and be happy.

2:08 A.M.

I can't sleep.

Trying to trace back exactly why I can't sleep is a little difficult.  Sometimes (sometimes often) I awaken in the middle of the night and my heart is racing.

I know it comes from a wave/jolt of fear.  I know it is our ancient biological insurance for survival system working.  It seems after the body is triggered it fires off the equivalent of high octane jet fuel into the system and here I am (2:13 a.m.).

In this case, like a dream, I simply can't remember the exact thought that triggered it.

I'm not "whole".    There are times in my life I
feel happy but there is a underlying twisting and discontent.   And I know I am not alone.

It was about 5 years ago that I made, what for me, was a big discovery.  I found out that the family issues I've faced are not as unique as I thought (or would have hoped.)   An encounter with my father lead to an google search and that lead to a book by Eleanor Payson (The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists).  Having a name for it changed everything.

For some reason, my intuition tells me that writing about it, will be for me, how I figure it out and hopefully gleam some salvation from it.  Ideally I'll be documenting a path for others in similar situations.