Growing up it was clear I was never quite up to the standard. Where sometimes I was told directly and often I was told through stealth concealed putdowns. But the message was delivered constantly and consistently. Clearly I was not good enough to be truly loved. Bang.
Couple that with the screaming. Bang bang. Not just being screamed at - narcissistic rage is in its own league. Witnessing it raining down on my sister and mother as well. Being a young man and feeling that I should intercede. But being intimidated by the force, arrogance and physical superiority. Feeling the fear. In short the trauma of never knowing where and when the bomb was going to drop.
The combination of putdowns and screaming combine and stew and left me feeling unworthy. Unworthy of love. Unworthy of achievement. Unworthy of respect. Unworthy.
As a young man I often complied with my perceived mandate to remain unworthy - literally sabotaging my own success. Inventorying those sabotages is painful.
As a mature man, I've come to recognize the experience has left me anxiety and catastrophizing prone. In short I think what I learned as a child I've learned well - I could get blamed anytime, for anything, for any reason and it will be a shell shock when it comes. And I have no idea when it is coming.
Interestingly, a friend of mine who was also raised by narcissistic parents was diagnosed with PTSD. See that attached characteristics below of PTSD. Huh....
I write for two reasons. The first is that I don't think I can work through anything without acknowledging what it is I need to work through. So writing is acknowledging in the deepest way for me. It forces me to square off with, recognize and acknowledge. And secondly, I hope, maybe, in just some tiny little way, someone will read my words and it will in some way help them understand their own predicament.
Finally, a plea to myself and anyone else who is in a similar situation. Compassion. I believe self compassion is the most beautiful ingredient we can give ourselves with the intent to healing.
Thanks for reading.
Mark 9/23/15
Wikipedia:
The diagnostic criteria for PTSD, stipulated in the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems 10 (ICD-10), may be summarized as:[69]
- Exposure to a stressful event or situation (either short or long lasting) of exceptionally threatening or catastrophic nature, which is likely to cause pervasive distress in almost anyone.
- Persistent remembering or "reliving" the stressor by intrusive flash backs, vivid memories, recurring dreams, or by experiencing distress when exposed to circumstances resembling or associated with the stressor.
- Actual or preferred avoidance of circumstances resembling or associated with the stressor (not present before exposure to the stressor).
- Either (1) or (2):
- Inability to recall, either partially or completely, some important aspects of the period of exposure to the stressor
- Persistent symptoms of increased psychological sensitivity and arousal (not present before exposure to the stressor) shown by any two of the following:
- difficulty in falling or staying asleep
- irritability or outbursts of anger
- difficulty in concentrating
- hyper-vigilance
- exaggerated startle response.
No comments:
Post a Comment