Trying to trace back exactly why I can't sleep is a little difficult. Sometimes (sometimes often) I awaken in the middle of the night and my heart is racing.
I know it comes from a wave/jolt of fear. I know it is our ancient biological insurance for survival system working. It seems after the body is triggered it fires off the equivalent of high octane jet fuel into the system and here I am (2:13 a.m.).In this case, like a dream, I simply can't remember the exact thought that triggered it.
I'm not "whole". There are times in my life I
feel happy but there is a underlying twisting and discontent. And I know I am not alone.
It was about 5 years ago that I made, what for me, was a big discovery. I found out that the family issues I've faced are not as unique as I thought (or would have hoped.) An encounter with my father lead to an google search and that lead to a book by Eleanor Payson (The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists). Having a name for it changed everything.
For some reason, my intuition tells me that writing about it, will be for me, how I figure it out and hopefully gleam some salvation from it. Ideally I'll be documenting a path for others in similar situations.
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