Friday, August 28, 2015
Define Me
Shame Blame Defame
Shame Blame Defame
Crash Mash Slash
Attacked without Facts
Yell to Dispel
Push Like All Hell
Public
I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to pretend. I don't want to cover for him. I don't want to play the game anymore.
So I will write.
Something Is Wrong
Something is wrong. But it wasn't obvious.
There were indicators though. The contrast in compassion and humility between my father and grandfather. The rage explosions. Comparisons between friends' parents and my own. And my own internal barometer - knowing the negativity wasn't right.
But it wasn't obvious. Like a fish in water it was all I knew.
I didn't have options. It was something I needed to learn to live with and tolerate - not question. Maybe if there had been the name earlier there would have been options.
And it was insidious. Much of it was concealed and the facade was always kept up.
Yet it effected me profoundly in many ways. I think it's impact probably more damaging and troublesome for my sister and mother. But the nature of it did not bring us together to combat it - it divided and separated. Alienated.
A name changed everything. It has a name! And with that name came so much; validation it was real and a brotherhood of others who have endured it. And possibility. It was now possible to deal with it and not get sucked back into enduring it.
In fairness this was not perpetrated against me with bad intent. Yet that knowledge doesn't alleviate the pervasive problems and pain it has caused. Like a person walking over a nest of ants, the turmoil and suffering caused goes unnoticed.
There were many many episodes that were hints. 100s of them I am sure. Many repressed I am sure.
My mother recently pleaded that future regret should inspire reconciliation. But I truly don't believe the problem can be fixed. And the only regret I have now was not having figured this out earlier so the problem could be removed from my life and the possibility of healing could begin.
So where did the name come from?
For years my parents complained of my sisters accusations having no basis. Very specific life events she claimed and they claimed never happened. I researched it and researched it and he only thing I could find had to do with narcissism. Yet my sister was clearly not a happy person. She had once told me if it weren't for her kids she wouldn't want to live. And there were undoubtedly pharmaceuticals involved. Antidepressants. My parents' therapist thought my evaluation was wrong. That it was boarderline personality disorder. But my further research indicated BPD was very similar in many respects to NPD. So I chalked it up to "close enough".
A dispute with my father lead to a meeting to try and reconcile. And there it happened again. My 78 year old father getting worked up and excited and beginning the yelling and scolding and despicable accusations. But this time, maybe through years of meditating or years of martial arts training or maybe just through maturity, I experienced the onslaught differently. There were two "me"s. the first wanted to stop the onslaught at any cost. If he is this mad and this sure and he is my father I must be wrong. I must capitulate. I must immediately reconcile. But the other me saw a older man screaming and ranting but in no way a threat and all his accusations in the end were simply not true. Lies.
That night I resumed my research. The same behavior they complained my sister exhibited I had just experienced with my father. I started where I left off. A book by Eleanor Payson on amazon with 100s of 5 star ratings on narcissism soon changed my life. I am forever grateful to Eleanor for her work. I read until 3 am and finished the book the next day. There wasn't a page I didn't relate to. 100s of episodes got revisited in my mind with a new and fresh understanding.
I was angry. Sad. Resentful of what was lost and taken from me. Elated I had finally identified it. Confused. And finally excited - possibility. I had a name for the first time for what was the most challenging obstacle I had faced in my life. Narcissism.
There were indicators though. The contrast in compassion and humility between my father and grandfather. The rage explosions. Comparisons between friends' parents and my own. And my own internal barometer - knowing the negativity wasn't right.
But it wasn't obvious. Like a fish in water it was all I knew.
I didn't have options. It was something I needed to learn to live with and tolerate - not question. Maybe if there had been the name earlier there would have been options.
And it was insidious. Much of it was concealed and the facade was always kept up.
Yet it effected me profoundly in many ways. I think it's impact probably more damaging and troublesome for my sister and mother. But the nature of it did not bring us together to combat it - it divided and separated. Alienated.
A name changed everything. It has a name! And with that name came so much; validation it was real and a brotherhood of others who have endured it. And possibility. It was now possible to deal with it and not get sucked back into enduring it.
In fairness this was not perpetrated against me with bad intent. Yet that knowledge doesn't alleviate the pervasive problems and pain it has caused. Like a person walking over a nest of ants, the turmoil and suffering caused goes unnoticed.There were many many episodes that were hints. 100s of them I am sure. Many repressed I am sure.
My mother recently pleaded that future regret should inspire reconciliation. But I truly don't believe the problem can be fixed. And the only regret I have now was not having figured this out earlier so the problem could be removed from my life and the possibility of healing could begin.
So where did the name come from?
For years my parents complained of my sisters accusations having no basis. Very specific life events she claimed and they claimed never happened. I researched it and researched it and he only thing I could find had to do with narcissism. Yet my sister was clearly not a happy person. She had once told me if it weren't for her kids she wouldn't want to live. And there were undoubtedly pharmaceuticals involved. Antidepressants. My parents' therapist thought my evaluation was wrong. That it was boarderline personality disorder. But my further research indicated BPD was very similar in many respects to NPD. So I chalked it up to "close enough".
A dispute with my father lead to a meeting to try and reconcile. And there it happened again. My 78 year old father getting worked up and excited and beginning the yelling and scolding and despicable accusations. But this time, maybe through years of meditating or years of martial arts training or maybe just through maturity, I experienced the onslaught differently. There were two "me"s. the first wanted to stop the onslaught at any cost. If he is this mad and this sure and he is my father I must be wrong. I must capitulate. I must immediately reconcile. But the other me saw a older man screaming and ranting but in no way a threat and all his accusations in the end were simply not true. Lies.
That night I resumed my research. The same behavior they complained my sister exhibited I had just experienced with my father. I started where I left off. A book by Eleanor Payson on amazon with 100s of 5 star ratings on narcissism soon changed my life. I am forever grateful to Eleanor for her work. I read until 3 am and finished the book the next day. There wasn't a page I didn't relate to. 100s of episodes got revisited in my mind with a new and fresh understanding.
I was angry. Sad. Resentful of what was lost and taken from me. Elated I had finally identified it. Confused. And finally excited - possibility. I had a name for the first time for what was the most challenging obstacle I had faced in my life. Narcissism.
Validation
Validation is tough to come by. Most people can’t understand what could possibly cause an adult child to separate from their parents. Clearly it would seem there must be somehting grossly wrong, but few are able to see/validate how it is justified.
I think there are two major reasons for that.
First, narcissists are experts at concealing. If something does get exposed they are amazing at covering it. “oh no, that isn’t at all what I said, meant or intended. You’re too sensitive. Give me the benefit of the doubt.”
Second, the way a narcisst handles their inner circle is very different than people that they have casual relationships with. Our natural human goodness is used against us. For example, we all want acceptance and approval from our parents. Holding that acceptance just out of reach creates some ideal dynamics for a narcissist, maybe the most important being them retaining/holding the power. As a child keeps striving for acceptance it makes the narcissist feel empowered, strong and gives them the “supply” they so need. Needless to say the experience for the child isn’t beneficial at all. Growing up feeling not quite good enough and not fully accepted or good enough to be accepted leaves a child with “issues.”
To someone who grew up in a relatively normal family all this is difficult to detect or fathom. The truth is sometimes it is hard for me to validate and I have plenty of evidence to both justify and validate what has transpired
I think there are two major reasons for that.
First, narcissists are experts at concealing. If something does get exposed they are amazing at covering it. “oh no, that isn’t at all what I said, meant or intended. You’re too sensitive. Give me the benefit of the doubt.”
Second, the way a narcisst handles their inner circle is very different than people that they have casual relationships with. Our natural human goodness is used against us. For example, we all want acceptance and approval from our parents. Holding that acceptance just out of reach creates some ideal dynamics for a narcissist, maybe the most important being them retaining/holding the power. As a child keeps striving for acceptance it makes the narcissist feel empowered, strong and gives them the “supply” they so need. Needless to say the experience for the child isn’t beneficial at all. Growing up feeling not quite good enough and not fully accepted or good enough to be accepted leaves a child with “issues.”
To someone who grew up in a relatively normal family all this is difficult to detect or fathom. The truth is sometimes it is hard for me to validate and I have plenty of evidence to both justify and validate what has transpired
Healing
“Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm, but the harm (that they cause) does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves”. ~ T.S. Eliot
It seems important to me to remember my intentions. It is easy to want retribution. The pathology of the disorder is such that the true victims are not the person with the disorder. The inventory of damage done to me, probably unknowingly by him, is formidable. Like bent steel, it is hard to get it back or even get it back into some semblance of functionality. I am angry for the injustices.
When you log onto any ACON (adult children of narcissists) forum you'll find a lot of ranting about those injustices. Yet, for me retribution isn't my goal. Healing is.
I'll never get him to acknowledge that he has in anyway damaged or hurt me.
Every episode I truly anticipate and expect my mother will intercede on my behalf. But the truth is she is nor forged and shaped into his accomplice and the intervention never comes. Rather she enforces and reinforces his malignant behavior.
"No contact" seems to be the only suggested steps for recovery. Unto itself, I am not sure it has moved me much towards healing. But it is a statement in my autonomy and right to not subject myself to more abuses.
So... My posts and my writing is with a few intentions. To heal and to maybe, through documenting the process, help someone else heal. Let us heal and be happy.
2:08 A.M.
I can't sleep.
Trying to trace back exactly why I can't sleep is a little difficult. Sometimes (sometimes often) I awaken in the middle of the night and my heart is racing.
I know it comes from a wave/jolt of fear. I know it is our ancient biological insurance for survival system working. It seems after the body is triggered it fires off the equivalent of high octane jet fuel into the system and here I am (2:13 a.m.).
In this case, like a dream, I simply can't remember the exact thought that triggered it.
I'm not "whole". There are times in my life I
feel happy but there is a underlying twisting and discontent. And I know I am not alone.
It was about 5 years ago that I made, what for me, was a big discovery. I found out that the family issues I've faced are not as unique as I thought (or would have hoped.) An encounter with my father lead to an google search and that lead to a book by Eleanor Payson (The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists). Having a name for it changed everything.
For some reason, my intuition tells me that writing about it, will be for me, how I figure it out and hopefully gleam some salvation from it. Ideally I'll be documenting a path for others in similar situations.
Trying to trace back exactly why I can't sleep is a little difficult. Sometimes (sometimes often) I awaken in the middle of the night and my heart is racing.
I know it comes from a wave/jolt of fear. I know it is our ancient biological insurance for survival system working. It seems after the body is triggered it fires off the equivalent of high octane jet fuel into the system and here I am (2:13 a.m.).In this case, like a dream, I simply can't remember the exact thought that triggered it.
I'm not "whole". There are times in my life I
feel happy but there is a underlying twisting and discontent. And I know I am not alone.
It was about 5 years ago that I made, what for me, was a big discovery. I found out that the family issues I've faced are not as unique as I thought (or would have hoped.) An encounter with my father lead to an google search and that lead to a book by Eleanor Payson (The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists). Having a name for it changed everything.
For some reason, my intuition tells me that writing about it, will be for me, how I figure it out and hopefully gleam some salvation from it. Ideally I'll be documenting a path for others in similar situations.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)