The 4 Strategies for Silencing My Voice

There are only 4 strategies my father uses to silence my voice.

1)  Screaming.   Certainly I must be in gross violation and should acquiesce if my father is screaming at me!

2)  Put me down.

3)  Walk away

4)  Simply claim it never happened.

And sometimes they can used in combination/together.  For example, "if Mark was involved in that, wouldn't we his parents have known?"  (#2 & #4).  Screaming "I would never do that" and then walking away as if offended. (# 4 & # 3 with a strong implication I am crazy (#2)).

When you go to a ACON forum - it is mostly ranting.  People's needs to get things off their chests and out their head.  But in some respects in keeps you stuck.  It reinforces the injustices.  Part of that is validation and good that you're not in your torment alone and that the issues are real even though narcissists tend to deliver them in a stealth way.  It becomes a war cry.

By only getting input from other people in the same situation and in the same phase of recovery it perverts perspective.  It turns into a feeding frenzy.   Nothing feeds emotions like more emotions.

But part of it is bad because it keeps you stuck.   Getting to a place where you can acknowledge - it is an injustice and accepting it is a completely direction.

It might be good initially but I don't think healthy in the long run.

It Is Draining Out of Me

My whole life I've been twisted.   Ever since I can remember.   Twisted.

Anxiety.   Depression.  High alert - always feeling like any second a bomb could fall.   Anticipating and dwelling on the worst case scenario.  Catastrophizing.   Not feeling good enough.   Shame.   Uncomfortable socially.   Obsessive/compulsive perfectionist. Anger.  Reactive to   Insomnia.    Twisted.

The Center

I am finding the center.

What I've learned since figuring out I was raised in a highly narcissistic environment is how much of our lives is governed by emotions.  And in my case, how many of my "normal" emotional reactions were formed by my tainted/affected upbringing.  Those two insights alone I think are key.   How can we begin to change without recognizing the dynamics of what is twisting us.

The intensity of my emotions with respect to my parents has been huge.  On one hand I wanted love and acceptance/approval.  On the other, because of the disorder, I will never get it.    Understanding that dynamic is big.  I was chasing something unattainable.

I've also been chasing retribution.  I'm upset for how I have been treated and how it has effected me.

I'm at a critical juncture now.  I know that being angry and desiring retribution are natural human reactions to facing trauma.  But I also know seeking them is futile.

Bill Clinton said that what he learned from Nelson Mandella was "let it go."  I know and feel that that advise would be more than appropriate for me.  But I just haven't been able to figure out how to do it. Lately I've been grappling with the idea of acceptance.  Acceptance doesn't mean I approve or agree with something.  But it does mean I am acknowledging it is real and not putting up resistance to it.

For me "acceptance" is easier to understand and effectuate than "letting go" but