The 4 Strategies for Silencing My Voice

There are only 4 strategies my father uses to silence my voice.

1)  Screaming.   Certainly I must be in gross violation and should acquiesce if my father is screaming at me!

2)  Put me down.

3)  Walk away

4)  Simply claim it never happened.

And sometimes they can used in combination/together.  For example, "if Mark was involved in that, wouldn't we his parents have known?"  (#2 & #4).  Screaming "I would never do that" and then walking away as if offended. (# 4 & # 3 with a strong implication I am crazy (#2)).

When you go to a ACON forum - it is mostly ranting.  People's needs to get things off their chests and out their head.  But in some respects in keeps you stuck.  It reinforces the injustices.  Part of that is validation and good that you're not in your torment alone and that the issues are real even though narcissists tend to deliver them in a stealth way.  It becomes a war cry.

By only getting input from other people in the same situation and in the same phase of recovery it perverts perspective.  It turns into a feeding frenzy.   Nothing feeds emotions like more emotions.

But part of it is bad because it keeps you stuck.   Getting to a place where you can acknowledge - it is an injustice and accepting it is a completely direction.

It might be good initially but I don't think healthy in the long run.

It Is Draining Out of Me

My whole life I've been twisted.   Ever since I can remember.   Twisted.

Anxiety.   Depression.  High alert - always feeling like any second a bomb could fall.   Anticipating and dwelling on the worst case scenario.  Catastrophizing.   Not feeling good enough.   Shame.   Uncomfortable socially.   Obsessive/compulsive perfectionist. Anger.  Reactive to   Insomnia.    Twisted.

The Center

I am finding the center.

What I've learned since figuring out I was raised in a highly narcissistic environment is how much of our lives is governed by emotions.  And in my case, how many of my "normal" emotional reactions were formed by my tainted/affected upbringing.  Those two insights alone I think are key.   How can we begin to change without recognizing the dynamics of what is twisting us.

The intensity of my emotions with respect to my parents has been huge.  On one hand I wanted love and acceptance/approval.  On the other, because of the disorder, I will never get it.    Understanding that dynamic is big.  I was chasing something unattainable.

I've also been chasing retribution.  I'm upset for how I have been treated and how it has effected me.

I'm at a critical juncture now.  I know that being angry and desiring retribution are natural human reactions to facing trauma.  But I also know seeking them is futile.

Bill Clinton said that what he learned from Nelson Mandella was "let it go."  I know and feel that that advise would be more than appropriate for me.  But I just haven't been able to figure out how to do it. Lately I've been grappling with the idea of acceptance.  Acceptance doesn't mean I approve or agree with something.  But it does mean I am acknowledging it is real and not putting up resistance to it.

For me "acceptance" is easier to understand and effectuate than "letting go" but

Acquiesce

There is one reason you scream at me, put me down, tell me it didn't happen and then walk away.   It worked.   What can a child do but acquiesce.   They can't move out.  They can't ask for some third party intervention, and they can't fight back.  Acquiesce.

And if that isn't sick enough, a pattern gets set.   As an adult, much of my life, I have acquiesced.   What is more fundamental than a son's need for his father's love and approval?

Sometimes...

Sometimes the sadness all this has wreaked upon me is just overwhelming....

Vindication!

When we're wronged or see wrong, we have a very strong human emotion need for vindication.  Our need is for our pain to be acknowledged, some type of remediation tendered and an apology.

Vindication is, in short, a human reaction and need to being wronged.  

My first impulse was to use the word "victim".  The "victim" of a narcissistic relationship...   I'm gonna go with that for a just a minute and then correct that term.   As "victims" of a narcissistic relationship our need for vindication is engrained and strong.    If you go onto any narcissistic forum, you'll read rant after rant of people seeking vindication.   The need is instinctual, strong and relentless.

The problem with the "victim" seeking vindication are two fold.  

The first is, it will never happen.  A narcissistic person is sick in the sense that they cause other people misery but they are unable to see themselves as the cause or in anyway take any form of responsibility for it.   They are actually repulsed by themselves for their misdeeds and feel a huge sense to lash out - to protect themselves.   Hence the yelling, putdowns and walking away.  So seeking acknowledgement they caused a problem is futile.   It ain't gonna happen.

The second is by viewing ourselves as victims and demanding or seeking vindication we are giving the narcissist the power.   Their granting of vindication is what is between us and our healing.  

I believe that this is where I (and many others who have had narcissistic relationships) get stuck.  We keep hoping they'll see the truth and sense in things and grant us vindication but they never will and by us giving them the sole power to our healing we stay stuck in a negative "victim" cycle.  We are literally gnawing at our own leg trying to free ourselves.


For me there is a truth that is hard to face.   I was hurt crushingly badly as a kid.   The "hurts" are many.   And the impact is felt today.  I'm anxiety ridden, not good enough, shamed and guilty, and depressed.    And I want the father who I believe caused much of my misery to right his wrongs.

Yeah!  Right!  I want the shooter to fix the wounds.   And in that very spot, in that very normal human reaction, I stay stuck.   Cause it will never happen.   He will continue to scream, tell me it didn't happen, walk away and put me down - but he will never ever never ever never ever take responsibility for his own misguided behavior.

Yet despite all this intellectual "insight" I'm stuck.  Emotions govern logic 100 to 1.  Intellectualize about the vindication trap all day long but my emotional need for vindication prevail.