Vindication!

When we're wronged or see wrong, we have a very strong human emotion need for vindication.  Our need is for our pain to be acknowledged, some type of remediation tendered and an apology.

Vindication is, in short, a human reaction and need to being wronged.  

My first impulse was to use the word "victim".  The "victim" of a narcissistic relationship...   I'm gonna go with that for a just a minute and then correct that term.   As "victims" of a narcissistic relationship our need for vindication is engrained and strong.    If you go onto any narcissistic forum, you'll read rant after rant of people seeking vindication.   The need is instinctual, strong and relentless.

The problem with the "victim" seeking vindication are two fold.  

The first is, it will never happen.  A narcissistic person is sick in the sense that they cause other people misery but they are unable to see themselves as the cause or in anyway take any form of responsibility for it.   They are actually repulsed by themselves for their misdeeds and feel a huge sense to lash out - to protect themselves.   Hence the yelling, putdowns and walking away.  So seeking acknowledgement they caused a problem is futile.   It ain't gonna happen.

The second is by viewing ourselves as victims and demanding or seeking vindication we are giving the narcissist the power.   Their granting of vindication is what is between us and our healing.  

I believe that this is where I (and many others who have had narcissistic relationships) get stuck.  We keep hoping they'll see the truth and sense in things and grant us vindication but they never will and by us giving them the sole power to our healing we stay stuck in a negative "victim" cycle.  We are literally gnawing at our own leg trying to free ourselves.


For me there is a truth that is hard to face.   I was hurt crushingly badly as a kid.   The "hurts" are many.   And the impact is felt today.  I'm anxiety ridden, not good enough, shamed and guilty, and depressed.    And I want the father who I believe caused much of my misery to right his wrongs.

Yeah!  Right!  I want the shooter to fix the wounds.   And in that very spot, in that very normal human reaction, I stay stuck.   Cause it will never happen.   He will continue to scream, tell me it didn't happen, walk away and put me down - but he will never ever never ever never ever take responsibility for his own misguided behavior.

Yet despite all this intellectual "insight" I'm stuck.  Emotions govern logic 100 to 1.  Intellectualize about the vindication trap all day long but my emotional need for vindication prevail.  

Yelling At Me...

Yelling at me, "when was the last time I yelled at you?"

You have to know a narcissist to enjoy the humor in that one!

This Was Supposed to Be

Sometimes we don't like reality.  We might not think it is fair.  We might feel that we are being treated unjustly.   And so long as those are our beliefs we're at odds with it.

Being at odds with reality is;  a)  suffering and b) caused our own internal dialogue/thinking/conversation.

When I read many of the forum posts about people in relationship with narcissists, the conversations are often some version of "this is not right" or "can you believe they did this".   While reality sometimes sucks, reality is reality.  They did it!  And if you don't believe it or believe it or think it was unjust it doesn't matter.  They did it!

Accepting they did it doesn't mean you think it was the right thing.

Accepting that there was an injustice doesn't mean you condone it.

Accepting what has transpired is just acknowledging it happened and realizing that all the dialogue about  the injustices won't change that or make it right.  It happened.  It is what it is.

I have had much internal dialogue since I figured out that I was raised by a narcissist and co-dependent, about what could have been.   Essentially that dialogue is fighting reality.  It is implicitly saying what happened shouldn't have happened.   And in the act of playing that recording over and over again in my head, I enforce the lack of acknowledgement and acceptance and in turn enforce the cycle.

Freedom comes having the ability to make choices.  Meditation has helped me identify in real time when I am getting into that cycle.  And my free will is giving the my choice, "it happened, it sucked, it was, and I am beyond that now."

Energy

It takes a huge amount of energy to defend one's self.

It takes a monumental amount of energy to defend from and confront one's parents.   Both our societal expectations and instinctual expectations are that our parents will put our interests above all else.   Waking up to the reality that something is wrong and that simply isn't the case is an emotional train wreck.  

Rules

I wish I could have made and enforced these rules when I was 5.  I couldn't.  But I can now.

1)  No yelling or screaming at me.  I never yell or scream at you - afford me the same civil courtesy.  Address me with respect.

2)  No putting me down - directly or stealthily.    This includes no rolling eyes, gasping, etc.   If I feel the putdown it is a putdown regardless if you claim I am too sensitive, it wasn't what you meant, etc. etc.    A putdown is a putdown even if my own my justifies your behavior.  A putdown is a putdown.  Address me with respect.

3)  No walking away to settle a dispute.  Walking away is a statement that you find me in contempt of your graces.  I have never done anything nor will worthy of that type of treatment.  End a conversation with "what do you want out of my life" is shutting me down.  That is the same as walking away.  Don't walk away.  Stay and settle our differences respectfully.

4)  I will hear you first.  I will listen with patience and respect.  When you are done, you listen to me (without interrupting, rolling your eyes, gasping or other gestures) with respect.

5)  Do not yell or put down or walk away or not listen to anyone I love in front of me.  This includes my mother, my sister and my children.  They too deserve to be respected.

I am no better than you.  I am no worse than you.  But I certainly deserve the same courtesies and respect you command  and expect of me.

Bang Bang Bang

There are just a few emotional needs critical to a child - love and safety are the two I found so difficult.

Growing up it was clear I was never quite up to the standard.   Where sometimes I was told directly and often I was told through stealth concealed putdowns.  But the message was delivered constantly and consistently.   Clearly I was not good enough to be truly loved.  Bang.

Couple that with the screaming.   Bang bang.    Not just being screamed at - narcissistic rage is in its own league.  Witnessing it raining down on my sister and mother as well.  Being a young man and feeling that I should intercede.  But being intimidated by the force, arrogance and physical superiority.   Feeling the fear.   In short the trauma of never knowing where and when the bomb was going to drop.

The combination of putdowns and screaming combine and stew and left me feeling unworthy.  Unworthy of love.  Unworthy of achievement.  Unworthy of respect.  Unworthy.

As a young man I often complied with my perceived mandate to remain unworthy - literally sabotaging my own success.  Inventorying those sabotages is painful.

As a mature man, I've come to recognize the experience has left me anxiety and catastrophizing prone.    In short I think what I learned as a child I've learned well - I could get blamed anytime, for anything, for any reason and it will be a shell shock when it comes.   And I have no idea when it is coming.

Interestingly, a friend of mine who was also raised by narcissistic parents was diagnosed with PTSD. See that attached characteristics below of PTSD.    Huh....

I write for two reasons.  The first is that I don't think I can work through anything without acknowledging what it is I need to work through.   So writing is acknowledging in the deepest way for me.  It forces me to square off with, recognize and acknowledge.   And secondly, I hope, maybe, in just some tiny little way, someone will read my words and it will in some way help them understand their own predicament.

Finally, a plea to myself and anyone else who is in a similar situation.   Compassion.  I believe self compassion is the most beautiful ingredient we can give ourselves with the intent to healing.   

Thanks for reading.

Mark 9/23/15

Wikipedia:

The diagnostic criteria for PTSD, stipulated in the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems 10 (ICD-10), may be summarized as:^[69]

• Exposure to a stressful event or situation (either short or long lasting) of exceptionally threatening or catastrophic nature, which is likely to cause pervasive distress in almost anyone.
• Persistent remembering or "reliving" the stressor by intrusive flash backs, vivid memories, recurring dreams, or by experiencing distress when exposed to circumstances resembling or associated with the stressor.
• Actual or preferred avoidance of circumstances resembling or associated with the stressor (not present before exposure to the stressor).
• Either (1) or (2):

1. Inability to recall, either partially or completely, some important aspects of the period of exposure to the stressor
2. Persistent symptoms of increased psychological sensitivity and arousal (not present before exposure to the stressor) shown by any two of the following:

• difficulty in falling or staying asleep
• irritability or outbursts of anger
• difficulty in concentrating
• hyper-vigilance
• exaggerated startle response.

kuh-tas-truh-fahyz

Catastrophizing is known as a "cognitive distortion".

There are two parts:

Part 1: Predicting a negative outcome.

Part 2: Jumping to the conclusion that if the negative outcome did in fact happen, it would be a catastrophe.

Psychology research on chronic pain and catastrophizing has uncovered three types of mechanisms related to catastrophizing

- Rumination - (overthinking. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy technique for overcoming rumination (link is external))
- Magnification
- Helplessness

Overcoming Catastrophizing

- Mindful awareness

You have to catch yourself having cognitive distortions to be able to do anything about them,

- Consider Other Possible Outcomes
Consider positive predictions, neutral predictions, and mildly negative predictions, not just very negative predictions.

- Make a Distinction Between Significantly Unpleasant and Catastrophe
Key to overcoming catastrophizing is making a distinction between something being significantly unpleasant and it being a catastrophe. Failing an important exam would be extremely distressing but it does not doom the individual to a life of failure.

- Increase your perception of your ability to cope.
If you believe you can cope with negative events, anxiety will be much less of a problem for you.

Suggestion to write each down so you can view them more objectively.  http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-catastrophizing.


Source:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201301/what-is-catastrophizing-cognitive-distortions